


The Chronicles of Cronus

by mtjester



Series: Classstuck [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Bard - Freeform, Classstuck, Gen, Witch - Freeform, page, rogue - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2014-05-02
Packaged: 2017-12-15 06:09:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/846206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mtjester/pseuds/mtjester
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p></p><div class="center">
  <p>no bard has evwer vwritten an epic of such magnitude, and, incidentally, no one has evwer livwed a life so full of struggle and disappointment as the bard vwho vwrote it.<br/>this is the story of that bard, by that bard, for the vworld.  </p>
  <p>this is the story of cronus.</p>
</div>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're a wizard, Cronus

my life is a tragic story the likes of which you vwill nevwer come across again.  i vwas not hatched to be the bard of this putrid vwaste of political potential vwe call the kingdom of beforus.  i vwas once a beautiful and inspiring young lad growving up in the court of alternia, kin to the prince himself, vwaiting for fate to vwork its magic on me.  and it did, in the vway magic can only vwork.  fakely.  magic being fake.  fate is nothing but an empty promise and only fools beliewve in magic, as i found out in the vworst vway possible.  yes, my life has been so vwery, vwery tragic.

since i knowv you must be dying to hear about my story, i vwill start from the beginning, vwhen I vwas still naivwe and hopeful.  those vwere the good days.  i vwould sit in the courtyard of the alternian palace, composing poetry and ballads so vwonderful, travwellers from across the land vwould pause to hear my vwisdom.  poetry flowvs from the depths of my soul so naturally that i almost considered vwriting these chronicles in poetic wverse.  it is for your sake, dear reader, that i havwe refrained, since not evweryone can appreciate a good poetic epic and evweryone has the right to an accessible account of my horrid hardship.  you must take it on my vword that i vwas in fact hailed as a genius. 

i hear theyvwe found a newv bard nowv, some guy vwith crazy hair and a terrible penchant for drugs.  im sure they lament my absence on a daily basis, but i vwould not return evwen if they begged.  theyvwe lost me for good, and they can float in their owvn regret for the rest of eternity.  i am _so_ ovwer that scene.

but lets not dvwell on it.  vwhat you need to knowv is that my time in alternia was short.  i could feel their distain for me growving as i reached my adolescence, and my sexual avwakening vwas treated vwith such derision i could almost feel myself suffocating.  it vwas the vworst envwironment for someone of my sensitvwe disposition.  something vwas missing from my life, but i couldnt place vwhat it vwas.  for me, being a kid and grovwing up vwas hard.  it vwas so vwery hard, but no one cared to understand.

all of this changed one day vwhen my path crossed vwith that of a strange, orange-colored man.  vwhich is to say, vwhen his path crossed mine.  i vwas sitting in the courtyard as usual, filling the palace vwith the sound of my amazing vwoice, vwhen this orange guy climbed ovwer the courtyard vwall in the most pitifully inept vway possible.  i vwatched him fall into the bushes and stumble into the courtyard, gasping for air like he had been running from something avwful.  i didn’t knowv howv to react to him.  vwhy vwould i?  i vwas just a green, unassuming youth full of childish dreams.  so i sat and stared at him, and after he had seen me, he froze and stared back.  i dont knowv howv long vwe stared before his eyes flickered up to the double lightning scar on my forehead, and his face practically glowved vwith sudden recognition.

“You!” he said to me.  “...Eridan!”

“cronus,” i corrected him.  howv rude.

“Yes, of course!”  he rushed to me and grabbed my hands, holding both of them tightly against his scrawvny chest, and said, “Cronus, I’ve been searching for you for such a long time!”

“you havwe?” i asked.

“Absolutely!  Don’t you know who you are?”  i thought for a moment, because i had just told him vwho i vwas, so clearly there vwas another ansvwer that i didnt knowv about.  vwith alarm, i noticed that he vwas leaning in closer.  before i could say anything, he vwhispered, “You’re a wizard, Cronus.”

“i’m a vwhat?’ i asked, leaning avway.  i vwas sure then that he vwas crazy, and i could only think about my avwailable avwenues of escape.

“A wizard!”

i paused.  something about the maniacal glint in his eyes convwinced me to reconsider.  “i’m...a vwizard?” i asked.

“No, a wizard.”

“yes, that’s vwhat I said.  a vwizard.”

“A _wizard_.”

“a...vwizard?”

“No, you stupid sack of shit.  WIZARD.  Say it with me: wwww—“

he made a smooth vw sound through his full, puckered lips, and i followved suit: “vwvwvwvwvwwvvwvwvwwww—“

“— _wwwizard_.”

“—vvvwwwwizard.”

“Close enough,” he said.  “Your near-successful triumph over your silly accent is proof that you possess latent magical powers the likes of which the world has never seen!”

“no, but...i can’t be a vwvwwvvwwwwizard!” i said.  “i’m just cronus!”

“Well, just-Cronus, the evidence is stacked against you!”

there vwas such an earnestness in his expression, howv could i not consider vwhat he vwas saying?  anyone vwould havwe suspended their general terror to acknowvledge the possibility that vwhat he vwas saying vwas true.  after all, evwen the most retarded of idiots knowvs that if you believwe in anything as much as this orange man clearly believwed that i vwas a vwizard, it cant be that fake.

“okay,” i said, grovwing breathless vwith excitement.  the feeling that i vwas missing something vwas suddenly gone. maybe this vwas vwhat i vwas looking for the vwhole time. "okay, i’m a wvwizard.  nowv vwhat?”

“You must find a mentor,” he replied.

“a mentor?  like vwho?”

“How the hell would I know?  It’s your destiny, not mine!”  he released my hands and gavwe me a salute vworthy of my position in the court, and, as i gaped at him in disbelief, he turned and scrambled back ovwer the vwall.  i heard him svwear and scamper away.  just like that, he vwas gone, and i havwent heard from him since.

“a mentor,” i repeated.  vwho did i knowv vwho could teach me magic? 

mages knewv magic, i reminded myself.  but howv vwere vwizards different than mages?  if there vwas no difference, i could just as easily apprentice myself to a mage.  it vwasn’t a happy prospect.  the alternian court had a moody mage that i preferred not to talk to if i could avwoid it.  talk about judgmental douchebag.  he vwas the vworst, especially to me, probably because of his history vwith my kin, eridan.  i thought about going to the beforus mage, but then i remembered that she vwas deaf, and dealing vwith a deaf girl vwould be evwen more trouble than dealing vwith an asshole.  i sighed, realizing that my path to vwizardom vwould be long and arduous, full of hardship that vwould mostly manifest itself in the scorn of my peers.  my first task as a born-again vwizard vwould be to convwince sollux that i vwas vworth his time to teach, and i knewv that it vwould be the hardest thing i vwould evwer havwe to do.  and if i did manage to convwince him, the quality of my life vwould continue to go dowvnhill from there.

despite the hardships laying before me, i vwas optimistic.  i had found my calling, and i vwould see it through to the bitter end.  i may be a sensitivwe, compassionate, creativwe soul vwho balks at conflict and internalizes the judgment of my peers to the detriment of my growvth, but i havwe nevwer been a quitter.  no one can bring me dowvn.  vwell, they could, but not forevwer.  vwe must suffer into truth, as us artists like to say, and i suffered more than anyone.  oh, howv ivwe suffered.

squaring my shoulders, i gathered my instruments and struck a path to the mages den, vwhere sollux spent his days exploring the occult mysteries of doom.  he vwas doing exactly vwhat i knewv hed be doing, face pressed against his computer, vworking on a vwirus in a vwein attempt to showv off.  people call me pathetic, but i dont go out of my vway to act like a pompous cool kid vwith pretend disorders.  i nevwer understood vwhy it vwas acceptable for this tool to so obvwiously seek attention through his silly computer tricks that had nothing to do vwith magic, but my poetry and true expressions of emotion vwere too ovwertly attention-seeking for the court.  not like it matters that much, but there vwas clearly some discrimination happening.

i stood at the door, vwaiting for him to acknowvledge my presence, but of course he sat there and openly ignored me like the aloof scumbag he vwas.  finally, i cleared my throat and asked politely if i could enter.

“no, ii’m bu2y,” he responded vwith that godawvful lisp.  i frowvned, but, being the agreeable person that i am, i chose to ovwerlook his rudeness and showved myself in.

“vwhat are you vworking on?” i asked convwersationally, since evweryone vwith a vworking think pan knowvs you should build rapport vwith a person before asking for their help vwith anything.  and, unlike my convwersation partner, i knewv howv to be friendly and polite.

“nothiing you need two know about,” he said.  vwhat a disagreeable fellowv.

“actually,” i said, “I think I havwe a good reason to knowv.”

“ii doubt that.”

“i do!  i havwe just had an epiphany about my calling and havwe decided, after examining all my options, to come to you for help.”

“...you 2houldn’t have.”

“don’t evwen be modest, it vwas the clear choice.  just betwveen you and me, there are a lot of idiots in this poor excuse of a royal court vwho probably should havwe been stripped of their duties a long time ago.  i knowv you must feel the same vway, being one of the more competent members of the court.  i mean, just look at eridan.  vwhat evwen is his _deal_ , right?”

i watched him expectantly, vwaiting for him to take the bait.  i knewv he wouldnt miss the chance to rag on my kin, since it vwas no secret that his hate for Eridan ran deep.  the guy obvwiously had some sort of inferiority complex, being the lowvest on the hemospectrum in the royal entourage next to the rustblooded maid and the mysterious but attractivwe page Karkat brought before the court out of nowvhere, and, lets be honest, neither of those peasants actually count as royalty anywvays.  his hate vwas clearly his vway of dealing vwith the intimidation of vworking underneath someone of our pure blood.  i vwould showv him through a little spirited gossip that i vwas vwilling to meet him on his owvn levwel.

“ju2t tell me what you want.  ii’m really fuckiing bu2y, okay?” he said, and i felt my face fall.  he completely ignored my open invitation to bond ovwer the mutual exchange of slander.  he couldvwe at least givwen me a _chance_ to provwe howv easy going i really vwas.  my peace offering dashed to pieces, i tried a different tactic.

“vwell, i vwas vwondering if you could tell me a fewv things about magic,” i responded vwith a friendly smile.

“liike _what_?”

“oh, like evwerything.”

“get out.”

“no, vwait, but—“ i said, running out of ideas, but like the ill-mannered brute he vwas, he interrupted me before i could explain myself.

“look, ii’m not a fuckiing magiiciian,” he said.  “magic’2 not 2omethiing people ju2t learn becau2e they want two learn iit, and iit’2 probably not what you thiink iit ii2 anyway.  why don’t you quiit wa2tiing my tiime and go throw your2elf from the a2trology tower.”

“if it’s not vwhat i think it is, then vwhat is it?” i asked.  “obvwiously you use spells and fancy gadgets and vwhatnot, so vwhat else could there _possibly_ be to it?”

“that’2 not what magiic iis, dumba22.  that’2 the 2ort of 2hiit wiitche2 do.”

“then vwhat vwould _you_ call magic?”

“iit’w all academiic, you thiick fuck.  ii hone my 2en2e2 untiil ii tran2cend the liimiitatiion2 of a normal troll, aiided by the cur2e of my terrible mutant braiin.  you don’t have the natural aptiitude for thii2 2ort of work.”

“are you kidding me?” i asked.  “you don’t evwen use spells?”

“no.  no 2pell2.”

“then vwhat good _are_ you?” i demanded.  “and here i vwas, thinking you vwere actually important somehowv.  vwhat a joke.  i mean, it vwas alwvays obvwious that you vwere out for attention, but this flagrant deception practically _screams_ narcissism.  howv do you livwe vwith yourself knowving you are a shameless liar?”

“iif you don’t get out of my 2tudy iin the next ten 2econd2, ii wiill throw you out the wiindow,” he growvled, and i put my hand up submissivwely.  it vwasnt vworth the fight if he didnt evwen use real magic.  vwhat a vwaste of time.  i backed out of his office and turned dowvn the hall.

i vwalked slowvly towvards my respiteblock, asking myself, vwhat vwould i do nowv?  if the mages did not use real magic, vwhere vwould i learn to become a vwizard?  but then i realized, sollux had givwen me the answver himself. 

the vwitches.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since all trolls use quirks and I figured they'd think about and imitate other trolls using their quirks, I had Cronus incorporate other people's quirks into their dialogue. I hope it wasn't too cumbersome to read.


	2. Cronus and the classless tart

eridan did not take to my idea vwell.  not that i actually needed his blessings.  i could havwe just left the castle vwithout telling anyone, leavwing the court to vwonder about my sudden, mysterious disappearance.  but vwhat sort of guy vwould i be to do a thing like that?  i vwanted evweryone to knowv about my quest.  to keep them from vworrying, of course.

besides, only an imbecile vwould leavwe the castle vwithout an armed guard.  i am vway beyond the hemospectrum scene, but that doesnt mean royalty vwith my rich bloodline vwouldnt get harassed beyond the vwalls of alternia.  all i vwanted vwas a knight or twvo, maybe four, ten at most, to accompany me to the vwitches’ covwe.  vwas that too much to ask?  you or i vwouldnt think so, but apparently it vwas.

“you wwant me to send an army of my best knights straight into the wwitches’ jawws?” eridan demanded.  he had that murderous glint in his eye, the one he gets vwhen he thinks people are being stupid or careless.  dont get me vwrong, its normally quite adorable, but it vwas not vwhat i needed to see at that particular point in time.

“ _obvwiously_ i’m not asking for a vwhole army,” i responded, rolling my eyes.  “that vwould seem like an attack.  i vwant them to like me, so i’m not going to vwaltz up vwith the vwhole vwarrior guild trailing behind me.”

“this is the most asinine poppycock i’vve evver heard in my life,” he said.  poppycock, really?  ugh, and im related to this boisterous idiot.  “nobody talks to the witches.  i’m not gonna risk my firepowwer on some stupid wwhim of a wwhiny adolescent freeloader.”

ouch.  “c’mon, champ.  all i’m asking for is one knight.”

“get outta my fuckin’ throne room.”

“it’s not evwen asking that much!  vwhat, do you havwe a vwar planned in the near future?”

i svwear, he is an open book.  evwen from the doorvway i could see him stiffen, and evweryone in the room groaned.  “WHO ARE YOU PISSED OFF AT NOW?” karkat asked, shouting as usual.

“don’t wworry about it!” he snapped.  “i’m not done drawwin’ up the plans yet, so it’s basically pointless for you to be gettin’ on my case about it already.”  he turned to me, eyes a-blaze like a fierce little vweasel, and he said, “i thought i told you to get out of here.”

“can’t i at least havwe a vword vwith the seer to foresee the fortune of my quest?” i asked.

“no.” 

my face fell.  my kin knewv just howv to dash the hopes of a young, aspiring vwizard to pieces.  vwith no other alternativwe, i returned to my room and packed all the necessary equipment into a bag.  it vwas too heavwy, so i had to sacrifice my hair products and my synthesizer.  it vwas a painful time.

i made my rounds and said my farewvells to all the guys and gals i had come to knowv so vwell in my childhood.  some of them evwen smiled and responded vwith something resembling kindness.  its the little things that keep us going.  if i had knowvn then that i vwouldnt be returning to alternia vwith my dignity still intact, maybe i vwould havwe thought twvice about the quest.  but probably not.  vwe all respond to our callings, evwen if they end painfully, dont vwe?

and so, setting out on foot because my cheapass kin vwas too objectivwely horrible to spare me a horse, i crossed the threshold of the city gates into the bright unknowvn.  the wvast vwilderness.  my destiny.

i vwalked.  and i vwalked.  and i vwalked some more.  i had perused the map collection before embarking on my journey, because vwho _doesnt_ look at maps vwhen preparing to cross the knowvn vworld, and it all looked so trekable on paper.  i thought, oh yes, i can vwalk this distance in twvo, maybe three days tops.  i am telling you this because, evwen though i am ashamed of my childish naivwety, it is necessary for you to understand howv stupid i vwas.  this is a coming-of-age story, after all, and like all good coming-of-age stories, the protagonist, me, must ovwercome his idiocy to learn important life lessons.

so i vwalked.  and basically, i got nowvhere.  i mean, i got far enough that i couldnt see the alternian castle anymore, but the path vwas meant to curvwe northvwards once it reached the border of the kingdom of beforus, and beforus vwas novwhere to be seen.  maybe, i thought, beforus vwas so large that i vwouldnt be able to see the city from the edge of their kingdom, but evwen then i knewv that vwas stupid.  evweryone knowvs that beforus is a kingdom of pansies and that it vwould only be a matter of time before alternia svwallowved them completely.  i should havwe been able to see the castle.  but i couldnt.  so as any rational person vwould do, i assumed that i had gotten lost.

 it vwasnt the high trading season, so the path vwas desolate, and i sawv barely any fellowv travwellers.  they gavwe me a vwide berth, probably nervwous about sharing the same dirt vwith someone as evwidently important as i vwas.  i began to understand that, in a vworld full of lowly and boorish peasants, i vwould be forced to travel as a lone drifter, a vwayvward vwagabond in princely garb.  the mere force of my stately aura vwas enough to deter the common rabble.  vwho could i convwince to help me?  vwho vwould show me the vway, if my fellowv travwellers vwenerated me so?

as luck vwould havwe it, not evweryone put me on a pedestal.  “hey mr purple gown!” someone called to me, just as i vwas losing hope.  i turned.  the vwoice belonged to a young vwoman, but her face vwas covwered vwith a dark blue hood and a pink scarf.  it vwas actually a rather atrocious combination of colors, if you ask me, but that vwasnt the point.  i should havwe knowvn better than to respond to a person vwho travwels vwith their face totally covwered, but i vwas just happy that someone vwas FINALLY acknowvledging me.

“yes, friend,” i said vwarmly.  “vwhat can i do for you?”

“you look like the kinda guy that shouldnt be out wandering around on your lonesome,” she slurred.  i blinked.  i remember thinking, is this girl DRUNK?  she teetered ovwer to me, gracefully enough but definitely not entirely sure-footed.  vwith the vway she vweavwed, i could tell she vwas no stranger to the drink.  and yet she looked so young!  howv strange, i thought, and i vwould be lying if i said i vwasnt disappointed.  the only reason she vwas talking to me vwas because she vwas sloshed.  just my luck.

“i am on a mission,” i said.  “a pilgrimage of sorts, if you vwill.”

i still could not see her face, but i heard her snort.  “whats with that accent?” she asked, suppressing a giggle.

“vwhat accent?”

she burst out laughing, no longer trying to hide her amusement.  i frowvned.  for the record, i havwe alwvays knowvn that i havwe a vwery particular vway of speaking that sets me apart from my peers, and like all of my charming eccentricities, it took me a vwhile to accept my differences.  vwhat i didnt need, personal acceptance or not, vwas some uncouth svwain laughing at my speech impediment.  “excuse me,” i said ovwer her laughter, “but i don’t appreciate your ridicule.  i am a vwery important person, you knowv, and this accent is a mark of my prestigious blood.”

“oh okay that makes it not funny.  important people speech is serious as hell all the time,” she said, chuckling.  “ _vwhat_ s such an important person with such hella prestigious blood going on a pilgrimage all alone for?”

“if you must knowv, i am going to the vwitches in the north,” i responded curtly.  she stopped chortling.

“no fuckin way,” she said, and i vwas pleased to hear a note of awve in her vwoice.  “are you crazy?  people dont just take a stroll up the witches den for shits n giggles.  youre off your rocker.  someone should set this guy up with a life alert DAMN.”

“no, its no use talking about it vwith you,” i said.  “its vwery important and personal royalty business.  a quaint peasant girl like yourself vwouldnt understand.”

“pff yeah cuz talkin funny means you got leagues of smarts above my IQ,” she said.  “especially since you dont even know the way.”

“howv do you knowv i dont knowv the vway?”

“a girls gotta know things like that,” she responded.  “its written all over your face prince charming.  your face is all like 'help i dont know what im doing.'  therere thieves in this area thatd zero in on a face like that.  your face is a target and thieves got long-range missiles.  criminals be packin heavy weaponry n hard-ons for that expression.”

“should I vwear a hood?” i asked, trying not to let on that i vwas growving nervwous about her claims.  i didnt knowv howv to tell a thief from a hoofbeast.  or a rogue from a young girl vwith a covwered face.

“i gotta better idea.  hows about you let this cool as hell girl right here be your guide?” she said, pointing at herself with her thumbs.  for the first time, i noticed that her skin vwasnt grey, but peachy.

“youre a human!” i said in surprise.

“you couldnt tell?”

“vwell, no, you havwe your face covwered—“

“ell oh ell!” she said, cutting me off.  “you shouldnt of left your fancy castle if you cant even tell a human from a troll.”

“vwhat evwen _evwer_ ,” i said, doing my best to appear unaffected by her open mockery.  “vwhy is there a human in troll territory anyvways?”

“see mr royalty thats a question that only somebody who doesnt know these roads would ask someone who does knows these road aka me.  dont you think you have bigger things to be worrying about like i dunno your stupidly obvious clothes or that nervous flit to your eyes?”

“oh, nice, attack my general appearance.  you really knowv howv to avwoid a question,” I retorted.  “vwhy dont you take your hood off and vwe can be on evwen footing?”

“oh no guys we found a defensive one!” she said.  “better abort the mission.  Im pullin the plug on operation ‘help out clueless wanderer’ to be continued at a later date when we find a less defensive asshole.”

“vwhos ‘vwe’?  Are there more of you?”

“ell em eh oh!  literally.  there it is on the ground.  my ass has been laughed off.”

“vwhat?  vwhat are you evwen _talking_ about?”

“youre a lucky guy,” she said, pulling her hood dovwn.  i vwas speechless.  she actually didnt look half as hideous as i expected her to. she vwinked at me and continued, “not everybody finds a generous femme fatale with a bitchin sense of humor whos willing to lead them to the base of the northern mountains.  you just earned yourself a guide and dont pretend like you dont want me around cuz you and i both know youre just gonna wander around with that blank ass look on your face like a fresh piece of meat for the thieving hounds that run the show out here.”

“vwell, you certainly are more of a femme fatale than i gavwe you credit for,” i said, returning the vwink.  that seemed to take her by surprise, and i congratulated myself on my (first) successful pass.  but business is business, no matter howv lovwely the lady.  “howv am i supposed to trust you? youre drunk!”

“drunk my ass.  im fine,” she insisted.  “why you want some?”

she pulled out a flask and offered it to me.  the svwill inside reeked of cheap liquor and i turned my nose up at it.  “you havwe _got_ to be kidding me,” i said, pushing it awvay.  seriously, vwhat a classless tart.  she vwas lucky to havwe a face that could savwe her some vworth.

“suit yourself,” she said vwith a shrug, and she took a svwing before putting it avway.  “you want to know your first problem with this...whatever you called it—“

“pilgrimage,” i supplied.

“the _first_ problem is that youre still on the road!”

“but, vwait, isnt it a bad idea to go off the road?”

“pff if you dont know what youre doing!” she said.  “its sooooo much quicker if you dont deal with this winding line of padded dirt.  who even made this road?  its all over the fuckin place!  lame ass road.  you know what they say about two points and a straight line right?  thats what were going to do.  straight line this bitch.  not weave and snake our way around major cities we dont want to go to.”

“and you knowv howv to do that?”

“i am a master at walking in a straight line.  straight lines are my _thang_ ,” she ansvwered, and i stopped short of openly questioning the statement.  “trust me ill have you there in less than a week.”

“a _vweek_?” i asked.  “but...does it havwe to take so long?”

“how about i just use some _mad_ _witchcraftz_ to speed up time or scrunch up the land in between us and the mountains kinda like squeezin up a sponge or a piece of paper or some shit and then we can just skip for like a day and viola!  witches,” she said.  as insulting as her response vwas, i took it for vwhat it meant.

“fine.  vwhatever.  lead the vway,” i said, sighing.  it vwas going to be a long vwalk, but at least i found some pretty company to lead me.


	3. A roguish scheme revealed

roxy vwas more of a catch than i realized.  not only did she havwe a passably decent face (for a human, i guess), but she appeared to havwe the same trouble i had in finding a vworthy romantic partner.  vwe chatted as vwe vwalked, and our convwersation soon turned to howv hard it is to meet the _impossible_ standards literally evweryone seemed to havwe vwhen it came to red relationships.

“like vwhat _evwen_  does a nice, artistic guy like me havwe to do to earn a little lovwe?” i asked, and she nodded.  the more she drank, the more she nodded.

“i knooooow its a hostile world full of hot guys whore jus not interested in hookin up with a smart chick with a good personality,” she said, correcting her slurred speech intermittently. it vwas hard at first to followv her vwtih her frequent vwerbal mistakes, but i got used to picking up on her general message. “hell if i were a guy id be all over a hot as shit mysterious stranger with a roguish glint such as what i have in my eyes.  id be like ‘god DAMN check her OUT’ and lowering my rad as hell shades to get a load a my pert ass. im mean check me out right im not a bad catch.”

i did as she bid and checked her out, and she vwagged her eyebrowvs at me a little.  that vwas vwhen i really realized that she vwas more of a catch than i realized. i said as much. “if i vwas a human male, i vwould approvwe.”

“oh so now you have to be human to approve,” she said, sighing dramatically.  “maybe thats my problem.  too much time hangin around the troll kingdoms and not enough time scopin out the human populations.  youd think thered be more of them but its like you troll assholes cant stop breedin and the humans just dont want to.”

“i _vwish_. if vwe cant stop breeding, vwhy is it so hard to find somebody to breed vwith?”

“tell me about it,” she said. we both sighed. i looked ovwer at her and examined her more critically.  she could be a good prospect for a redrom, maybe, despite being so human.  i mean, drinking problem aside, she vwas easy to get along vwith.  she evwen seemed to like me somevwhat, vwhich vwas still a foreign feeling to me.  maybe she and i could strike up an illicit matespritship. me, a highborn artist vwith a magical destiny to fulfill, and her, a drunken human vwith a secret past.

or maybe a moirallegiance vwould vwork.  i mean, dont get me vwrong, i understand that a good moirail is important, but it just wasnt my top priority. i havwe needs that need to be met. but she seemed to be a good listener and vwas open to my feelings (another foreign feeling for me, no thanks to my hard childhood).  a moirail is better than no quadrant partners.

but definitely not a blackrom. she vwasnt vworthy material. vwhat vwould anyone expect to do vwith a flirtatious drunk as a kismesis?  besides, humans dont understand blackrom from vwhat i heard. they only havwe one kind of romance.  in that case, it vwould just havwe to be a matespritship.

 as i vwas deciding all this, she kept talking, but suddenly she stopped.  she brought her hand up to shield her eyes.  “do you see that?” she asked.

“vwhat?”

“over there that big mass of stuff on the horizon.”

i looked in the direction she vwas pointing, and sure enough, there vwas a big mass of stuff on the horizon. it looked like a caravan of some sort.  “vwhat is it?” i asked.

“it looks like a caravan of some sort,” she said.  “which is hella weird to find a caravan all the way out here.  were seriously in the middle a assfuck nowhere. nobody travels off the path except for adventurous and savvy people like me.”

“so...” i said, looking at her, “vwhat do vwe do?”

“should we check it out?” she asked, and then, vwithout vwaiting for me to reply, she decided, “hell yeah lets go sass these people.  maybe they have a few valuables on them we can swipe.”

she vwinked at me, and it took me a second to process vwhat she had said.  “vwait, vwhat?” i asked, but she vwas already sneaking avway.

i caught up vwith her, and she motioned for me to sneak in the manner she vwas.  i vwould say she vwas bad at sneaking, but to be honest, she vwas quite good at it for someone vwho had been slowvly getting drunker as the day vwore on.  me, on the other hand, i vwas not a sneaker.  i vwasnt the kind of person to hide myself and slink around, avwoiding other people. i vwas alvways honest and upfront, the epitome of good citizenship.  thats probably vwhy vwe vwere caught.

“Howdy!” a man called from one of the carts.  vwonderful, i remember thinking, another human.  he seemed a bit young for my travweling partner, but i didnt vwant to risk our the future of our potential matespritship (or vwhatevwer it vwas) by vwasting time vwith a pack of humans.  besides, its common knovwledge that humans in large numbers smell bad and havwe horrendous manners.

but the boy vwas not vwith other humans.  as the rest of the caravan peaked around their wagons and quaint portable dvwellings, it became clear that he vwas the only human in the group.  the rest vwere the carapace creatures that vwander the vwast expanse of fields betvween the kingdoms, travweling between the nevwerland forest and the vwasteland.

“fuck a duck,” roxy said when she realized vwe’d been seen.  vwe stood up to full height, and she vwavwed.  “hey ho nomads didnt see you there.”

“You didnt?” the boy asked. i slapped my hand to my face and answered for my companion.

“no, vwe vwere just passing through,” i said.  “vwe...are lost.”

“Ill say!” he responded. “You two are a skip and a jump away from the path!  One of you must have botched your navigational duties.  Where were you headed?”

“to the northern mountains to see the vwitches,” i said, and it vwas my companions turn to smack herself in the face.  i glanced at her, and she shook her head at me vwith disappointment.  i felt myself blush.  “vwhat?” i asked.

“dont go givin away where youre going all the time you dunce especially off the main path,” she said. my blush deepened.

“The witches?” the boy asked with a note of disquiet.  “Im not sure you two want to be heading that way.  Its dangerous territory the likes only rugged adventurers with a taste for danger could possibly traverse!  You could get killed, or worse.”

“whats worse than gettin killed?” roxy asked, and i vwas embarrassed by the extent to vwhich her inebriation showved nowv.  vwhen it vwas just us, i vwasnt avware of howv bad it vwas getting.  howv uncouth.

the boy thought. “I dont know for sure if i can answer that!” he finally said.  “The witches live there you know.  You might get turned into a frog, or spirited away to spend the rest of eternity alone on an island in the sea with no form of entertainment at all even movies. That would be frightfully lonely. But i wouldnt put it past those dastardly witches!”

“aw yeah youre right. that would suck some major dick,” roxy ansvwered.

“Besides if youre heading towards the witches mountain you are much farther off your course than you might have anticipated.  You are too far east.  We are in the very shadows of the neverland forest and pressing north will bring you to the gates of the earthen kingdom.”

“really?” i asked.

“hey why dont you jus mind yur own business and stop telling us where we are,” roxy said. i shot her a glance, and she rolled her eyes avway from me to avwoid my gaze in a vwery suspicious manner.

“Might i inquire why a strange pair such as yourselves are looking to end up in the northern mountains?” the boy asked.

“nup,” roxy said, but i had already answvered.

“i am on a quest to become a vwizard,” i said, and they both looked at me, flabbergasted.

“no wai!” roxy said. “you were on your way to becomin a _wizard_  this whole time and you never said a word to me about it?  holy shit i wanna be a wizard!”

“its not a destiny for just anyone,” i said, brushing the sentiment aside vwith a vwavwe of my hand. “i vwas called to this path by a mysterious man vwho instantly recognized my inner vworth. you vwouldnt understand.”

“omg thats not fair ive always wanted to be a wizard,” she said with a whine.  “wizards are the shit and i love them! id be all about learnin up on some mad majyyks and becoming a wizened old lady with a wicked staff of enchantment and crystal orbs and shit like that.”

“its an unfortunate truth that vwe are not all gifted vwith the same inner potential for majyyk,” i said. if i said i vwasnt enjoying her lavwish envy, i vwould be a liar.

“As much as that sounds like a ripsnorting good time for you folks i must dissuade you from that plan of action,” the boy interrupted.  vwhat an insufferable buzzkill.

“whys that?” roxy asked. “got sumthin against wizards?”

“Certainly not madame! I am as fond of wizards as the next lad but the witches wont make a wizard out of either you.  The sort of magic the witches employ to meet their questionable needs is not the sort that you would want to learn wizard or not!”

“so whatre you sayin bub? you got a better plan?”

“If i might make a suggestion you could go to the earthen kingdom instead,” he said.

“how about you just butt out,” roxy said. 

“No hear me out! I know a thing or two about the northern part of the world and i can say without a doubt of any kind that the witches are not what you want.  I can understand if you refuse to be deterred from your noble and excited quest but the seer of the earthen court would make a fine tutor for your study of the mystical arts.  Shes well schooled in majyyks from what ive heard.  Ive been meaning to go to the kingdom of earth for quite some time now and i would be more than willing to accompany you both. I can guide you and protect you from the ever-lurking dangers that prowl these lands at night!”

i looked at roxy, and she shook her head.  “no way this is definitely not what you want,” she said.

“really?”

“mm mm,” she said, still shaking her head.  “nope no way.”

“but he does havwe a good point,” i said.  “and if theres somebody other than the vwitches to train me, that vwould be better. maybe she vwould be vwilling to train you as vwell!”

i vwas hopeful that she vwould continue on my quest vwith me, of course, for reasons that should be ovwious by nowv. but to my chagrin, she sighed and said, “okay cro im gonna come clean with you.  im not allowed in the earthen kingdom and strollin straight into their gaudy viking castle is way outta the question for me.”

“vwait, vwhat? vwhy?”

“cuz actually the plan was to sort of just lead you into the neverland forest jump you take all your valuables and leave you stranded,” she said.  my jawv dropped.  vwhat the hell?

“A thief!” the boy said with a gasp.  “How could such a charming young lady come up with such a diabolical scheme?”

“imma rogue bitches thats how,” she said. "the mysterious stranger is actually a full on femme fatale with ulterior motives tucked like knives into her skimpy lingerie."  my heart broke. i am no stranger to heartbreak, but i think that one may havwe been my vworst.

“so it vwas all a lie?” i asked.

“aw cro no,” she said, and she looked honestly apologetic.  “if i had known youd be such a nice guy on such a kickass mission i wouldnt have i swear.  which is why im gonna leave you with this guy and let you follow your dream fo realsies.”

“so is that it?” i asked. “vwe got this far and youre going to abandon me to this...” i looked at the boy and he smiled at me.

“theres not much else to do about it is there?”

“youre just like the rest of them,” i said.  i knewv i vwas pouting, but i didnt care.  “i thought you vwere different, but you twvist the fork the same vway the rest of them do.  this is vwhat i get for trusting a drunk floozy in a hood.”

“damn straight,” she said.  “thats what i was telling you from the start!  look you learned something today.”

i frowvned, and she gavwe me a half-hearted salute.  “vwill i see you again?” i asked.

“maybe on your way back from earth once you become a kick ass wizard our paths will cross again,” she said. “promise to show me your mad skills and teach me some awesome majyyks.”

my heart lifted just a little bit.  maybe there was still hope.  “i promise,” i said.

“aight,” she said. “see you around.”

and vwith that, she vwalked avway. it vwas strange, but in just seconds, she seemed to disappear completely from vwiewv.


End file.
